As I was unpacking boxes after our recent move, it made me think about marriage and how we need to be intentional about unpacking our feelings with each other. Over the years, Rob and I have moved many times with the military, but most recently we moved to North Carolina to settle down after Rob retired from the Army.
Every time we move, one of the things we always try to do is unpack quickly. It feels so much more like home once the boxes are gone, the beds are made, and our favorite books are on the shelves. When everything is boxed up and hidden, it just doesn’t feel like home. It feels awkward and it always feels like something is missing.
This applies to our relationships too.
Sometimes we have hurt feelings or frustrations we stuffed away and ignored. Old issues that we never fully addressed and instead just shoved into a box and put in the back of the closet. Arguments that were never resolved but were just swept under the rug for another day. Or maybe we have dreams, goals, and desires that we’ve hidden away because we are scared to share them with anyone. Keeping these things hidden can make the relationship feel awkward, and we never fully settle in and feel at home.
Why do we avoid talking about hard topics?
We often do this to shield ourselves. We might have fears of rejection or disapproval about sharing our dreams or vulnerable feelings. We might be trying to protect ourselves from the hurt thinking if we shine light on the subject, the pain will grow bigger. It’s easier to pretend it doesn’t exist. Or maybe we think that if we’re honest about our feelings, we will push our spouse away.
But the reality is that talking about deeply personal and painful things is truly the only way to grow. We need to talk about our hurt feelings, our frustrations, and our deep-down-in-our-core thoughts with our spouse so that we can connect with each other and get to know each other better.
This topic also reminds me of when Rob and I used to teach SCUBA diving. That first big jump into the deep water for any student was always a big deal. Some were giddy with excitement and some were downright terrified. But the same truth applied to everyone – you never get to go on the extra special deep dives unless you are willing to take a leap of faith and jump in the water. It’s during those deep dives, that you get to see some really fun things that most people never see.
When we allow ourselves to dive deep with our spouse and have these very vulnerable conversations, two things happen.
- We release the power that fears and hurts have over us.
We break free from the bondage we are in. God’s enemy and ours – the devil – wants us to stay captive to those things, to build walls between us and our spouse, and to keep us from experiencing abundant joy. But the real power is in surrendering those issues to God and openly sharing our feelings with our spouse, thus breaking the hold that those fears and hurts have on us.
- We grow closer to our spouse and create more intimacy.
When I allow myself to be vulnerable and talk about the hard things – the ones that bring all my emotions to the surface – it allows my husband to see my heart. When I listen to him with an open mind as he tells me how I hurt his feelings, or how something from his past wounded him – I get to practice loving him well. When we meet each other where we are in love and compassion, we get to experience the walls and fears breaking down as we remind each other that we are committed to this relationship and making it the best it can be.
Ready for a Deep Dive Date?
Set aside some date time with your spouse to ask each other a few questions. Maybe over a favorite meal, or hanging out on the sofa together, or even in the car on a road trip. The important thing is to make sure you can talk freely without distractions and that you allow time for some real conversation – emotions and all!
No matter how long you’ve been married – whether it’s been 1 week or 30 years – the goal is to continually, for the rest of your life, get to know each other better and better as you go deeper with each other and reveal the heart that is hiding under the surface.
For now, start with these 6 questions. Both of you will answer each of the questions. Ask them all in one long date session or break it up into 3 shorter dates. Whatever works best for you. Just jump in and get started!
Snorkeling (Ice Breakers):
- Where would you like to travel with me?
- Which outfit of mine is your favorite?
Below the Surface:
- What is the greatest strength of our relationship?
- What do I do that annoys you?
Deep Diving:
- What is the most painful thing that I have said to you?
- In what way have I made you feel loved?
We’ll have more questions for you to use coming soon, but we hope this will give you a good start to some deep, meaningful conversations!
