A few years ago when I was a first time mom with a budding toddler, I remember feeling overwhelmed as I tried to manage the house and our daughter at the same time. It felt like I was constantly picking up after her in one area, only to have another area get messed up. She was still too young to pick up her own toys and just felt like a vicious cycle of frustration.
During this time, one of my dearest friends talked to me about the “TOP 3”. It completely changed my life and my marriage for the better!! Seriously. It’s like the best kept secret in town. I continue to use it to this day.
Want to get in on this greatness? Just follow these steps.
1. Set aside a few minutes for a meeting with your spouse.
2. Ask him to tell you the top 3 things he wants/needs/expects when he comes home from work each day. If he doesn’t work outside the home, then ask for the top 3 things he wants done every day. These things are family/household related….not bedroom related…we already know about those.
3. LISTEN! Don’t talk yet. Just listen.
4. Make a deal with him. You will do your absolute best to make sure those 3 things are done each and every day. He agrees not to complain about the things that are *not* done.
(If you both work outside the home, then I encourage each of you to do this. You both have needs and expectations about what is going to happen when each of you get home. Prioritize the top 3 on each side.)
How this helped us!
Before we made this deal, I was spending so much time picking up toys and straightening up the living room before Hubby would come home. I wanted him to walk in without seeing toys spread out all over the floor, because I thought he would want that.
Turns out, he didn’t care about the toys. He said that if he saw toys on the floor that meant I had been playing with our daughter and entertaining her.
Before this deal, I never made our bed. We were going to get right back into it anyway, right?
Turns out, he LOVES to have the bed made. He said that walking into the bedroom with the bed made (even if there was other clutter in the room) just made the whole room look and feel cleaner and more relaxing. I’ve sense learned that he’s right and I now enjoy having my bed made.
Before this deal, I would wait until he got home and ask him what he wanted for dinner. I wanted to make something he liked, and wanted him to feel like he had input without me making his choices for him.
Turns out, he doesn’t care one bit what we have for dinner, but he cares a lot about having to think about it. He wanted to be able to ask “What’s for dinner?” and get a definite answer. He had been thinking and making decisions all day and didn’t want to make that one. He didn’t care if the answer was frozen pizza, take-out, or even if I told him he was grilling burgers for dinner. He didn’t even insist that it be ready when he got home, although soon after was preferred. He just didn’t want to make the decision.
Can you see how this can work? I was trying so hard to do what I thought he wanted, but once I stopped to ASK what he wanted, I was able to actually please him without all the extra stress.
So, my husbands Top 3 things are:
1. Making the bed
2. Having an answer to the question, “What are we having for dinner?”
3. Not having dirty dishes in the sink
All of that is with the understanding that taking care of the kids comes above all else! If a child has a fever, gets sick, or is just having one of those days that requires extra work and attention, the Top 3 are forsaken.
Give it a try, and I guarantee you will be amazed at the results! I’ll let you in on a little secret. For the first several weeks of trying this, the bed would often get made right after he called to tell me he was on the way home. I was doing it for HIM, not for me. Now, I do it for me too! At least, *most* of the time
It could work the other way too, where the stay-at-home-mom tells the husband her “Top 3” that she needs when he gets home. We just haven’t had the need to do that here. I tell Hubby when I need him to take over for a little bit, or if I need a break. I’m so blessed to have a husband that willingly and joyfully participates in the kids’ bathtime & bedtime routines, so I haven’t felt the need to give him a Top 3. However, if you don’t get this type of help from your husband, then I highly encourage you to make this Top 3 thing a 2 way street.