Parents, your children need to know that Mom and Dad are always on the same team. One of the best gifts you can give your children is a stable home environment where they feel safe and secure.
When children know that Mom and Dad love each other, they feel safe and protected in their own home. When children know that their parents are on the same team and will always work out their differences, they can relax knowing that their home life is secure and won’t be disrupted. This is critical for their healthy physical, mental, and emotional development.
On the contrary, when home life is in chaos, then our children’s minds and bodies are always in fight or flight mode. This causes constant stress on the body that leads to developmental, emotional, and even physical problems.
Your children need to know without a doubt that Mom and Dad are on
the same team, working together for the good of the family.
That doesn’t mean you and your spouse can never argue in front of the kids, but it does mean that you resolve your issues with apologies and forgiveness quickly. It also means that you present yourself as a team – as one unit – to your children.
Your Spouse Comes First
Remember, your relationship with your spouse must always come first. One day the children will be out of the house, and it will be critical that you have maintained your relationship with your spouse. You are a couple first, and parents second.
Of course, sometimes the child’s immediate needs come first in the moment because they are little but being young and helpless does not by default make them more important than your spouse. More urgent at times, yes, but not more important.
No Cheating!
DO NOT ever let the kids play the “If one parent says no, I’ll ask the other” game!
If little Johnny wants ice cream, and Mommy says no, then Daddy needs to say no as well. Always back up the other parent in front of the child! ALWAYS!
If Daddy thinks that there is a good reason Johnny should get ice cream, then he can discuss that with Mommy away from Johnny. If they agree and decide to change the answer, then let Mommy go back and give the news.
It’s not Good Cop vs. Bad Cop!
There is nothing wrong with saying, “Johnny, Daddy and I talked it over and he reminded me that you ate all of your vegetables today so I’m going to change my answer and let you have ice cream”.
This way it is the first parent changing their mind, rather than the second parent overriding and undermining them.
Huddle Time: Pause & Plan
Anytime you find yourself disagreeing with your spouse’s parenting – just pause before speaking. Take a deep breath and ask to speak to your spouse for a minute. Talk – and LISTEN – to each other, come to an agreement, and then if needed, address the issue with the child.
This sounds like a minor detail, but it has monumental effects on the child’s development and how they view you as the parents as well as how secure they feel in their home. When you undermine each other’s authority, or go behind your spouse’s back, it shows your children that you are not reliable or trustworthy.
In It To Win
When you respect each other, take the time to work together as a team, and to present yourself as such to your children, this teaches your children that a healthy marriage takes 2 people working together as a team to thrive. You are a living example of what your children will model their marriage after one day.
Seeing parents work together as a team builds a child’s self-confidence and trust. They know they can count on you – both of you – to work together for the best of the family. They may not always like your answer, but they will feel safe and secure in their home, and they will learn how to manage their own family one day.
Focus on the long goal – to raise not children, but future adults, that will go on to live for Jesus and effect future generations.
