Military: Connecting and Reconnecting Over and Over Again

 

For those of you living the military life, you are all too familiar with the crazy number of goings and comings that our soldiers deal with on a regular basis. We’ve been there. There are deployments, unaccompanied tours to Korea, countless TDYs, schools, and training exercises that keep you apart from your husband or wife while they do their job. Sometimes you spend more time apart than you do together in any given month or year.

As if marriage wasn’t hard enough, living apart for so much time makes everything more challenging. It’s hard to stay connected, to have important discussions, to schedule activities, to parent your children, and to reconnect when they return home. But there is hope! Your marriage can thrive in spite of these things.

In our early years as a military family, we struggled with these same challenges, but we learned a lot as we went along and we want to share with you some things that will hopefully make it easier for your marriage and your family.

Let’s take a look at what is happening before, during and after the time apart for both the soldier and for the spouse back home. They each have different needs, availability, and stresses during these times, and we can better understand each other if we know what’s going on in their world.

** NOTE **
We will switch back and forth using he/she, him/her, and husband/wife in this post because it’s just easier to pick one or the other when writing.
However, all of the scenarios we discuss here apply no matter whether it’s the husband or the wife who is the soldier or the spouse who stays home.

Also, we come from an Army background, so we use the term “soldier”, but this can apply to any branch of the military.

 

BEFORE THE SEPARATION

Even before the soldier leaves, the whole mood of the household can change. Something that is super common is that couples will often fight more during the week or two before they are scheduled to leave. It’s almost as though in some subconscious way we think it will be easier to say goodbye to someone we are mad at. Sometimes just being aware of this can help. Be open with each other and communicate how you are feeling.

The viewpoint of the soldier:

Understand that your soldier may actually look forward to going. That doesn’t mean he wants to be away from you, so don’t take it personally. But your soldier may be getting to learn something new, get better equipped for his job, or finally get to do something that he has spent weeks and months training for.

On the other hand, your soldier might feel like this time away is a giant waste of time. Maybe she would rather stay home and be able to take care of her regular job duties. She might be frustrated at being required to do something she doesn’t want to do. Give her grace and compassion as she deals with those feelings.

Whether or not your soldier wants to participate in the deployment, training, or school, he is also going to miss you, your family, and regular activities. He knows a new normal is coming and with that, added stress and frustrations.

The viewpoint of the spouse at home:

She likely has lots of emotions about her soldier leaving. She might be overwhelmed at the thought of doing all the household and family tasks alone. She might be worried for her husband’s safety. She might just be sad that her best friend is going to be gone. She too is aware that her normal is about to change, is thinking about what that will look like, and already trying to plan ahead.

As you prepare for your time apart

Give yourselves something to look forward to. Come up with something you would like to do together once the separation is over. It might be a vacation, attending a favorite sports event, or just a weekend get-away. But having something planned to look forward to makes it easier.

Be intentional about making time for each other in the days before the separation. Even in the busyness of preparing for the time away, you can make time for a date night or afternoon. Focus on connecting with each other rather than letting yourselves grow distant. Have a game night, eat pizza and watch a sports game, or go out to eat at a favorite restaurant. Just make time for each other.  

 

DURING THE SEPARATION

During the separation, changes are happening for both spouses. Life each day looks different, and it requires a great deal of energy to adapt and do the things that need to be done, while also trying to make the best of the situation and enjoy the good in each day.

The viewpoint of the soldier:

The deployed spouse, whether in combat or not, is likely enduring long hours of stressful situations, little sleep, bad food, the continual presence of people, and little time alone to think. A new normal gets established and work becomes their focus almost 100% of the time.

The soldier is dealing with:

Being constantly busy with little to no down time

Doing tasks that make no sense but serve to keep everyone busy and out of trouble

No privacy – No time without people talking all around, and no way to have a private conversation with your spouse

Missing their husband/wife and kids

Missing their own bed and homecooked food

Having to walk far to a bathroom

And during combat – always being on alert for danger

The viewpoint of the spouse at home:

For the spouse and family at home, life keeps going. School and activities take place, chores still need to be done, bills need to be paid, children are disciplined, birthdays and holidays are celebrated. Even the things that are normally done by the soldier still have to get done by someone. A new normal & routine gets established at home, so the family can continue to function.

The spouse at home is dealing with:

Worrying about the safety of the soldier

Handling the “Murphy’s Law” problems that always arise when the soldier is away

Comforting the kids who miss their parent

Disciplining the kids who act out because their routine has changed

Doing all the regular tasks without anyone to share the load

Not having another adult at home to listen and talk to

Lonely nights

During your time apart

Think about what’s going on in your spouse’s world and remember you aren’t the only one who feels like your life got flip-turned upside down. There will be moments that you might think your spouse has it easier than you. Somedays he might. Other days you will have it easier. Remember that this is challenging on both of you, so don’t make it a competition or let resentment sink in. Instead, stop and pray for your spouse and pray to stay connected as a couple.

 

PREPARING FOR THE SOLDIER’S RETURN HOME

This prep time as you both look forward to reuniting is filled with emotion. Excitement as well as uncertainty. How is it going to go?

If you are able, it is very important that you have a conversation with each other about your expectations. This might be on a phone call, through text messaging, or even email. Use whatever communication you can, but ask these questions of each other.

Ask your soldier (from the spouse at home):

• • What do you need most from me when you get home?

• • What do you want me to wear to pick you up?
    This is more applicable at the end of a longer separation. Maybe it’s been a year since he’s seen you and has a favorite dress he’d love to see you in, or maybe he’s a jeans and sweatshirt guy. So many women go out and buy a new fancy outfit for this occasion and often the guy doesn’t even care. So don’t stress about it – just ask him!

• • What do you want the first few days at home to look like?
    Does he want friends and family there to celebrate, or a quiet day or two at home with just his immediate family?

• • What will the next few days/weeks at work look like for you, and how can I best support you?
    This is important because often the unit will have plans and the soldiers might be very busy in the upcoming days or weeks before they are allowed to take any leave.

• • How can I pray for you?

Ask your spouse at home (from the soldier):

• • What do you need most from me when I get home?

• • What does the “new normal” at home look like? (routines, rules, etc)

• • What household task can I take on that would help you the most?

• • What are you most looking forward to?

• • How can I pray for you?

 

First Night Home Expectations

Let’s talk about reconnecting in the bedroom. I’ll pass on the same advice we were given by a Commander’s wife at the end of a deployment. Discuss if you both want a “microwave” (quick & easy) reunion, or a “slow cooker” (take your sweet time) reunion on the soldier’s first night home. Knowing each other’s preferences in this area is absolutely critical to a happy reconnection, and to prevent hurt feelings or unmet expectations.

 

“REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD” – OR DOES IT?

Once the deployment, school, training exercise, or other TDY is over, we can look forward to reuniting right? Absolutely! But the reunion doesn’t always happen without challenges.

Obviously, reuniting after a deployment should be a time of joy for everyone – but to be honest, there is often stress involved too. Each spouse has expectations of what the reunion and the days ahead will look like. Many of these expectations have been assumed, but not communicated, which leads to frustration when those things don’t happen.

If you have children, they have their own idea of what things will look like once Mommy or Daddy are home, which may or may not be reasonable ideas. Young children especially, don’t always know how to express their thoughts and feelings or to manage their emotions, so this time can be difficult for them too.

So, what we’re saying is reuniting is a GREAT time, but it can also be a confusing and challenging time. How you approach the reunion and how you communicate with your spouse can make all the difference in how well things go.

The viewpoint of the soldier:

Your soldier has been living a different life while they were away. They had to adjust to a completely different routine so their days looked much different than their days at home did. Now that they are returning home, they want to go back to their old normal, the way it was before they left.

But here’s the hard part… the new normal probably won’t look like the normal before the deployment. Each person in the family has changed, grown, and developed during the separation.

The soldier wants to come home and have it feel like it did before. Everything was different while they were away, and they look forward to the comfort of familiarity. He wants to know his place in the family and home is still the same. But some things may have changed. Furniture might have been rearranged. Children might have different rules or discipline issues now. Scheduled activities are probably different.

The soldier might want to come home and jump back into his hobbies or hang out with his buddies. This requires coordinating schedules with his wife who will be expecting some more help with the kids now that he’s home.

Communication is going to be different for the soldier now that he is home, and he may have to adjust his communication style to have more heartfelt conversation.

In our marriage, when I have been deployed, I was usually surrounded by people, so even if I did have a chance to call Stacy, my communication was very short and closed, because I didn’t want other people to overhear what I was saying. Often, Stacy would be the one speaking, and I would just give positive “mm-hmms” or negative “mm-mms”. When we came back together, I had to change the way I was communicating… in reality, I had to start communicating again. – Rob

 

The viewpoint of the spouse at home:

The spouse who stayed home has had to fill both roles in the marriage and in parenting. She’s used to running things, fixing things, making all the decisions. She’s been handling the discipline of the children without asking or involving anyone else.

When he gets home, and steps in to do a chore or discipline a child and does it “his way”, it can be hard for her to let go of something that she’s been handling for months. She might feel like he thinks her way is wrong, when in reality, he’s just doing what he knows.

Of course, she might be so ready for a break, that she’s perfectly willing to hand over all the chores and the children for a few days. Every household is different.

If the soldier is struggling to open up with communication, the wife can feel emotionally disconnected from her husband, even though he’s in the same room. It might feel like they are having to learn each other all over again for a little while. That’s normal. Being intentional about having some date nights and conversation time will help make this transition happen faster.

 

HOW TO THRIVE DURING SEPARATION AND REUNITE WELL

For any relationship to thrive, it is important to communicate, cooperate, and compromise.

Communicate

Talk with each other about your needs and desires. Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. You have to tell them clearly what you want. As you communicate, listen to your spouse well and try to understand that you both have needs that are equally important.

Communicate frequently – before, during and at the end of the separation.

Once the soldier is home, take time to chat again within the first couple of days to see if everyone’s needs are being met or what changes need to take place. Then schedule a weekly check-in time to connect with each other, see how things are going, and be willing to adapt and adjust as needed.

Cooperate

You are a team, so work together like one. Both of you have needs. Both of you have expectations. The goal is to work together to help each other come to a mutually beneficial solution.

You will both need to listen well during the communication and take action to help fulfill the other’s needs, wants, and desires. Because you are working together to ensure that everyone’s needs are met, you are growing closer and stronger as a couple.

Compromise

You won’t always get your way. If your spouse’s needs don’t match your desires and plans, then discuss it and work out a compromise. You might need to adjust your plans this time to better meet his needs, and next time your spouse can adjust their plans to better take care of your needs. Considering the other’s needs and working together to find a solution will show love and commitment to your marriage and family.

As we always said in our family, “Semper Gumby”. Always be flexible.
Be willing to be flexible with your schedule, your desires, and your attitude.

 

Ultimately, the goal is to have a thriving marriage. In order to do that, we must put Christ in the center of it all and strive to love our spouse well, just as Christ loves us.

Jesus is our best example of loving sacrificially, as He gave His life for all of us. For you. For your spouse. For both of you.

Working together to communicate openly and to love each other selflessly during and after the deployment will make your marriage and family thrive in a positive and fruitful way.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35)

Make your marriage thrive, not just survive!

 

PS: A NOTE ABOUT PTSD & TBI

We wanted to include a note about PTSD and TBI since these happen frequently in combat or even in training accidents. When someone develops PTSD or has a TBI, that person needs mental, emotional, spiritual, and/or physical help. Going through PTSD or a TBI injury can change their personality because it affects the brain. They may say and do things that they would normally never do.  Help from professional therapists as well as family members is critical for healing and learning to cope with life. Please seek help for the soldier, as a couple, and for the kids, so that your family does not suffer needlessly and you can all learn how to work together.

There is NO shame in getting help, but often the soldier will be afraid of the stigma, how it will affect their job, or their coworkers’ impression of them. You can’t do this alone. This is why you both need professional help. Be your soldier’s biggest support and cheerleader as you encourage them to get help and then walk with them every step of the way.