Unmet expectations are one of the biggest frustrations in any relationship. We make this much harder on ourselves when we act like we married a mind-reader instead of just communicating with our spouse about what is important to us and what we need.
So, let’s talk about what we both need.
Many years ago, a mentor friend of Rob’s gave him 2 sheets of paper. On one sheet was printed “The 5 Basic Needs of a Man”, and on the other was “The 7 Basic Needs of a Woman”. We hope these lists will be as valuable for you as they have been for us over the years.
You can also read “The 5 Basic Needs of a Man” here.
The 7 Basic Needs of a Woman
1) Her need for a spiritual leader. He is a man of courage, conviction, commitment, compassion, and character. He takes the initiative in cultivating a spiritual environment for the family. He becomes a capable and competent student of God’s Word and lives out before all a life founded on the Word of God. He leads his wife in becoming a woman of God, and he takes the lead in training the children in the things of the Lord.
Guys, when you are leading your family spiritually, everything else falls into place. When your wife knows that you are seeking God’s will and spending time in prayer and Bible study each day, it makes it easier for her to submit to you and trust your decisions because she knows that ultimately she is submitting to God. When you are seeking to live for the Lord, you become a man of character who loves his wife well. This leads to her admiring and respecting you.
2) Her need for personal affirmation/appreciation. He praises her for personal attributes and qualities. He extols her virtues as a wife, mother, and homemaker. He openly commends her, in the presence of others, as a marvelous mate, friend, lover, and companion. She feels that to him, no one is more important in this world.
The words that you speak have the power to break your wife down or to build her up. When you praise her and tell her she is doing a good job at something, she wants to do it more and even better. When you brag on her in front of others, it makes her feel extra loved, which will also make her feel closer to you.
3) Her need for personal affection (romance). He showers her with timely and generous displays of affection. He also tells her how much he cares for her with a steadfast flow of words, cards, flowers, gifts, and common courtesies. Remember, affection is the environment in which sexual union is enjoyed and a wonderful marriage developed.
Whether or not gifts are your wife’s love language, you can show her affection and be romantic. It doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant to be encouraging. Put a sticky note on her mirror with a sweet note, pick up some inexpensive flowers or her favorite bar of chocolate at the grocery store, or make her a cup of tea – just because. Spend time with her sharing a bowl of popcorn and a movie. Give her a back massage or foot rub without expecting anything else. Romance is dead in too many relationships because we can’t live up to what we see on TV. We need to get back to the basics. Romance is sweet, thoughtful, simple and meaningful.
4) Her need for intimate conversation. He talks with her at the feeling level (heart to heart). He listens to her thoughts about the events of her day with sensitivity, interest, and concern. Conversations with her convey a desire to understand her, not to change her.
Guys, our wives want to talk to us, and they want to know we are really listening! They want us to not only listen, but also to engage in conversation by sharing our thoughts and feelings too. This type of conversation makes our wives feel emotionally connected to us and emotional connection is necessary before physical intimacy can take place. You need to engage in the conversation so that your wife knows you are listening and paying attention to her. Ask probing questions about whatever she’s talking about. Also, she wants to know about your day and what you’ve been doing, so take a few minutes each day when you get home to connect with and share your day with each other. Remember, women like details because it makes them feel close to us and like they are part of our world.
5) Her need for honesty and openness. He looks into her eyes and, in love, tells her what he really thinks. He explains his plans and actions clearly and completely because he regards himself as responsible for her. He wants her to trust him and feel secure.
Our relationship is nothing if we don’t have honesty and trust. But this doesn’t mean just say whatever you think unfiltered – always speak with love! My wife needs to know that I am not hiding anything from her. When I am open, honest and vulnerable with her, she knows she can trust me and that makes her feel secure in our relationship.
6) Her need for home support and stability. He firmly shoulders the responsibility to house, feed, and clothe the family. He provides and protects, and he does not feel sorry for himself when things get tough. Instead, he looks for concrete ways to improve home life. He desires to raise their marriage and family to a safer and more fulfilling level. Remember – The husband/father is the security hub of the family.
Our wives want to feel provided for. They want to know that we will always do whatever it takes to bring home the bacon and provide for the family. Many couples have financial difficulties at some point in their marriage. When she knows that you will do whatever it takes to provide, she will have great respect for you and feel safe.
7) Her need for family commitment. He puts his family first. He commits his time and energy to the spiritual, moral, and intellectual development of the children. For example, he prays with them (especially at night by the bedside), he reads to them, he engages in sports with them, and takes them on other outings. He does not play the fool’s game of working long hours, trying to get ahead, while children and spouse languish in neglect.
Knowing that the family is important to you is one of the most important feelings for your wife. She needs to know that you enjoy spending time with the family and that they are precious to you. Your wife wants to see you enjoy being a Dad and spending time bonding with your kids. Your work ethic and providing for your family is important, but balance is critical. When your wife sees you making her and the family a top priority, she respects you and feels close to you.
Remember, if you haven’t already, check out “The 5 Basic Needs of a Man” here.
Now that you have read these lists, we want to challenge you to do 3 things:
- Talk to your spouse about these lists. Ask if these lists accurately describe your needs, or is there something you would change?
- Ask each other, “Am I meeting these needs for you? If not, what can I do better?”
- LISTEN to each other. Really listen to their heart.
Then, repeat these 3 steps once a month. Check in with each other to see how well you are meeting each other’s needs, and if anything has changed. It can just be a quick check in over coffee, but it’s so important to follow up on this because things change as our lives change. We get busy or start slacking in some areas and it’s good to be aware of that.
STRIVE to make your marriage THRIVE!
“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil 2:4)
