Unmet expectations are one of the biggest frustrations in any relationship. We make this much harder on ourselves when we act like we married a mind-reader instead of just communicating with our spouse about what is important to us and what we need.
So, let’s talk about what we both need.
Many years ago, a mentor friend of Rob’s gave him 2 sheets of paper. On one sheet was printed “The 5 Basic Needs of a Man”, and on the other was “The 7 Basic Needs of a Woman”. We hope these lists will be as valuable for you as they have been for us over the years.
You can also read “The 7 Basic Needs of a Woman” here.
The 5 Basic Needs of a Man
1) His need for admiration and respect. She understands and appreciates his value and achievements more than anything else. She reminds him of his capabilities and helps him maintain his walk with God and also his self-confidence. She is proud of her husband, not out of duty, but as an expression of sincere admiration for the man she loves and with whom she has chosen to share her life.
This means ladies, that you need to tell your husband that you are proud of him. Even better if you also do it in public in front of his friends and co-workers. He wants to know that you think he’s amazing. He needs to know that you respect him as a man. Most guys (at least those who are past puberty) care even more about knowing they are admired & respected by their wife than they do about sex.
2) His need for sexual fulfillment. She becomes an excellent sexual partner to him. She studies her own response to recognize and understand what brings out the best in her, then she communicates this information to her husband, and together they learn to have a sexual relationship that both find repeatedly satisfying and enjoyable.
It may not be #1, but it is important. But it’s not just the act itself. Did you see the word “communicate” in there? We have to communicate with our spouse about this topic. Trust me when I tell you that any good husband wants it to be enjoyable for you, not just for him. (If this is not the case in your marriage – seek help from a biblical counselor ASAP. That is not right, and not the way God wants it to be.)
3) His need for home support. She creates a home that offers him an atmosphere of peace and quiet and refuge. She manages the home and care of the children. The home is a place of rest and rejuvenation. Remember: the wife/mother is the emotional hub of the family.
Husbands want to know that the home is a safe, loving place to come home to. We’ve heard men say, “I wish I had stayed at the office, so I didn’t have to come home”. That is not where you want your marriage to be! Know what your husband’s “Top 3” are so that he can feel welcomed when he walks in the door. Stop what you are doing and greet your husband at the door with a hug and a kiss when he comes home. Hand him a glass of cold water if it’s hot out or offer to make him some hot cocoa in the winter.
Ladies, if you also work outside of the home, then it is critical you have a conversation with your husband on how to meet this need for him. Discuss the “Top 3” so that you can work together to meet each other’s needs. Be a team!
4) His need for her attractiveness. She is possessed of inner and outer beauty. She cultivates a Christ-like spirit in her inner self. She keeps herself physically fit with diet and exercise, and she wears her hair, makeup, and clothes in a way that her husband finds attractive and tasteful. Her husband is pleased and proud of her in public, and also in private.
Before you get too excited, let’s note a couple things that this does NOT say. This does not say that you have to wear a certain size for your husband to find you attractive. He wants you to be fit, to eat right, to be active and to care about those things. He wants you to have enough energy to do fun activities with him, to feel good enough about yourself that you enjoy intimacy, and to have confidence in yourself. He does not expect you to be perfect! It also does not say that you have to be dressed up with makeup on and your hair curled every minute of the day. It says to wear your hair, makeup and clothes in a way that he finds attractive. I (Stacy) know several husbands, my own included, that love the look of shorts, a sweatshirt and a ponytail with no makeup. It’s always nice to dress up on occasion and go out, but it doesn’t mean you have to be fancy 24 hours a day. Taking a minute to run a brush through your hair and put on a clean shirt before he walks in the door doesn’t hurt though.
5) His need for a life companion. She develops mutual interests with her husband. She discovers those activities her husband enjoys the most and seeks to become proficient in them. If she learns to enjoy them, she joins him in them. If she does not enjoy them, she encourages him to consider others that they can enjoy together. She becomes her husband’s best friend so that he repeatedly associates her with the activities he enjoys most.
“She becomes his best friend” – This is so important. Your husband wants to do things with you!
He wants to spend time with you having fun – whether it’s following a sports team, playing board games, learning photography or cooking out on the grill. If he loves football, then watch the game with him and ask him questions so that he can teach you how to enjoy it. If he loves golf, then take some lessons so that you can go play together from time to time.
Whatever his interest is, take an interest in it and strive to be part of it. You might not be truly interested in it at first, but you should be interested in spending time with your husband, so give it a shot and you might find out you like it too. If not, brainstorm together and make a list of ideas to try until you find one you can enjoy together. It’s so important for your bonding, intimacy and communication that you spend time together doing something you both enjoy.
Remember, if you haven’t already, check out “The 7 Basic Needs of a Woman” here.
Now that you have read these lists, we want to challenge you to do 3 things:
- Talk to your spouse about these lists. Ask if these lists accurately describe your needs, or is there something you would change?
- Ask each other, “Am I meeting these needs for you? If not, what can I do better?”
- LISTEN to each other. Really listen to their heart.
Then, repeat these 3 steps once a month. Check in with each other to see how well you are meeting each other’s needs, and if anything has changed. It can just be a quick check in over coffee, but it’s so important to follow up on this because things change as our lives change. We get busy or start slacking in some areas and it’s good to be aware of that.
STRIVE to make your marriage THRIVE!
“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil 2:4)
