As a married couple we give a testimony about ourselves, our relationship with each other, and our relationship with Jesus. When others spend time with you and your spouse, do they see love, care, and compassion, or do they see self-centeredness, sarcasm, and biting comments? Does the love language you show your spouse consist of sarcastic comments and pointed jabs, or “light-heartedly” making fun of him/her? Although relationships like this may be common, there is a better way.
When we see couples and spend time with them, we usually come away with one of three thoughts, 1) they really love and treasure each other, 2) they are definitely having problems, or 3) do they even like each other? It’s so hard to tell.
How do you want your marriage to be seen from the outside? What about from the inside?
In our relationship, we started off as friends, then best friends. As such, there was a lot of ribbing, joking, and sarcastic comments. (Usually initiated by me, Rob.) As our relationship moved from friendship into dating, the ribbing, joking, and sarcastic comments didn’t go away. Then later, after we were married, all these things were still part of our relationship. But God began to work on us, grow us, and open our eyes. Those “light-hearted” or “funny” comments were always meant to be fun, and neither of us ever meant them for harm, but for those looking in from the outside and only seeing part of our relationship, it didn’t always look like we loved each other well.
We realized that we weren’t always edifying each other. Our comments weren’t building up, strengthening, or encouraging each other. That wasn’t the way we wanted to treat each other. It wasn’t the way we wanted others to see us and our marriage. We wanted people to look at our relationship and know without a doubt that we love Jesus and we love each other.
So, we decided to change the way we spoke to each other, turn down the sarcasm, be careful of the ribbing, and make sure that our light-hearted poking was clearly humorous to both of us. We decided to lift each other up with our words, ensuring that we were praising each other’s good qualities and achievements, sharing words of affirmation and affection.
In Proverbs 18:21 God says: Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Our words to each other matter both within our marriage and outside of our marriage. As disciples of Jesus, our words should never have someone questioning our relationship with Him or with our spouse. The things we say to each other should reveal the love we have for each other.
In light of that, what do your words to each other and your tone to each other say about your relationship? If someone who didn’t know you were to overhear how you speak to each other would they think, “that couple really loves each other,” or would they think, “wow, that couple has problems?”
If you’re in the second group, then we encourage you to make the change in how you talk to each other. “Please and thank you,” go a long way in helping your speech be a blessing and a gift to your spouse. Use your words as a tool of encouragement and edification, rather than harm.
Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. All bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
(Ephesians 4:29-32)
