People have often complemented Stacy and me about our daughter Emily, saying in one manner or another what a great person she is. I have also been told how “lucky” I am to have such a great relationship with her, especially since she is a young adult. We do agree she’s pretty amazing and we are incredibly thankful to be her parents, but the credit is not ours to take – we owe it all to the grace of God.
I feel compelled to share the advice we were given when Emily was young, because we haven’t done anything that someone else didn’t tell us. Stacy and I are so very far from perfect, but we try to do better today than we did yesterday. Neither of us came from a home where we learned how to do this, but thankfully God placed some incredible people in our lives when our daughter was born who mentored us and taught us how to be godly parents.
- Teach your child(ren) to love Jesus. Take them to church, talk about God and Jesus at home. Make sure your children know that Jesus is God and how much He loves them, because Jesus is love.
- Make sure your children know how much you love their mommy or daddy. Children learn to love by being loved and seeing love. The most important relationship you have is with your spouse, and your children should not come between you. Take time to go on dates with your spouse. When your children see their parents loving each other, they gain confidence and security.
- Love your children. All the time, no matter what. I know this sounds silly. But how often do we hear about the “terrible twos and threes” or “those teenage years?” When you think these things and say them aloud to yourself and your children, you are telling them what you expect. You are telling your kids that you do not enjoy the time with them, that you do not enjoy them. Look at the time you have with your kiddos as a precious gift, no matter if they are two months, two years, or 16 years. As part of this, spend quality time with each child separately. Go on walks around the block. Take them on dates. Learn who they are by letting them talk and listening to them.
- You are raising adults, not children. The end goal is not to have children who leave the home, it is to have adults who are prepared to move forward and be responsible members of society. So, as you teach and train your kiddos have the end goal in mind. Think about the kind of person you like to hang out with and then raise your children to meet that expectation.
- Children, not friends. To clarify point 4, while your kiddos are still kiddos, be friendly, loving, enjoy time together, but parents must be in charge. It isn’t time to be friends while they are littles. As they mature into their teen years a friendship can blossom, but parents are still in charge.
- Don’t worry about the little stuff. Don’t freak out about stuff that doesn’t matter. While Emily was still very young, Stacy and I discussed what was important and what wasn’t, so we could help each other focus on the right things. Respect (important), hair style or color (not important), wearing a coat (not important). When you determine what is important for your home, then you have established a standard, and along the way, everyone will learn the expectations.
- Let them play. Remember, kids learn so much just by playing. Let them use their imaginations. Play with them. Read to them daily. Childish behavior is normal, because they are children. Have fun and let them have fun.
- Is the behavior childish or sinful? Expanding on point 7, remember that kiddos are learning, exploring, making up games in their heads, and playing. When they’re running around acting crazy, it is probably childish behavior, not sinful behavior, so treat it as childish and give them grace for being kids. They may need to stop running around due to where they are, but running is not a sin, so don’t treat it as one. But once you have told them to stop, if they do not obey, that is sinful, so deal with that in accordance with your family rules.
- Surround yourself with people who have the relationship with their kids and/or adult children that you want with yours. Join a local church and get connected in a Sunday School class or Bible study with other couples who have kids. Learn from each other. Encourage each other. Help each other. Make sure you are spending time with people who are excited to be parents and who truly enjoy spending time with their kids. Look at the kids & young adults who are respectful, polite, and obedient and find out what their parents are doing to get those results. That’s how we learn.
- Pray for your children daily. We can do nothing without Jesus and His grace. Pray that your children would turn to Jesus at an early age and dedicate their lives to Him. Pray for His protection over them from the evil one. Pray that your children would have friends who love the Lord and encourage them. Pray for your relationship with your children and seek God’s word as you strive to love your children as He loves you – with patience, compassion, mercy, and grace.
Ok, I think that covers the biggest things we learned and everything else just flows from these. Remember, we only have them as kids for a few years and if we want to have them in our lives as adults, then we need to have developed relationships with them along the way. I hope these things help you as much as they have helped us.
